I sent a message to an acquaintance of mine, a facebook friend. I complimented her writing. She has a blog that I check up on from time to time. I enjoy her writing quite a bit and consider her an extremely talented writer, as well as an interesting person, and quite a role model as far as writers go. I aspire greatly to write as well as she does.
Her reply back to me surprised me. Not only did she take the time to answer me with more than a "thanks!" but she also said something that leads me to believe that I have received my message from God, as was promised to me yesterday. This is a portion of her reply:
"It seems to me, that you like to write as well...am I right? You certainly don't lack for eloquence, my dear! Beyond OS, I am always looking to connect with writers. I used to be surrounded by writers and took it for granted, now--so lonely! I have connected with some old friends who are writers and even if we are not blogging we share stuff. I am also doing some reader response/editing type stuff with writer friends (sort of like a writer's workshop) all online. Nothing formal or organized but it's fun. But I tell you because something tells me I should, don't know why. [I don't question these random impulses ;)]"
"Something tells me I should, don't know why." If that isn't a message from God, I don't know what is.
As far as cleaning my house goes, I've simply decided that it isn't fair for Rib to go to work all day every day in 90 degree plus weather with near 100% humidity and then come home to a messy house and a fat, lazy wife, eating Oreos on the couch, watching organizing shows on Satellite in the comfort of air conditioning. He mentioned last night that our bedding could use a washing and then on the phone this morning that Desi's room needed cleaning and that our clothes needed to be put away, and that since we have no plans or obligations for tonight that we could do it when he got home. That's crap. He shouldn't have to work when he gets home from work. All I do is sit on my ass and get fatter every day anyway. The least I can do is put away a few clothes and wash a sheet.
Mental note: Talk to psychiatrist about the constant stream of negative self-talk that goes through my head on a daily basis.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday God Wants me to Know
On this day, God wants me to know...
... that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.
Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt. Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root. Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Today God Wants Me to Know
I subscribe to this "God wants you to know" thing. Occasionally I check it, along wiht my horoscope or numerology report. I got this message today:
Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open.
...On this day, God wants you to know...
... that today is a big day for you.Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Diplomacy in Honesty
Dear Fake Psychiatrist,
Today I am thinking about honesty.
I am excessively honest. Brutally honest. Overly honest. The kind of honest where you don't want to ask me if those jeans make your ass look too big. I'll tell you that it's not the jeans that are making your ass look big. Don't ask me if you don't really want the answer.
I am working on my diplomacy. I try not to offer my opinion on things unless pressed. ("If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.") I have found that silence offends people too. I find fake-ness to be more offensive than brutal honesty, but most people don't share this mindset.
The interesting thing is that I am extremely thin skinned, not easily offended but very easily hurt.
Today I am thinking about honesty.
I am excessively honest. Brutally honest. Overly honest. The kind of honest where you don't want to ask me if those jeans make your ass look too big. I'll tell you that it's not the jeans that are making your ass look big. Don't ask me if you don't really want the answer.
I am working on my diplomacy. I try not to offer my opinion on things unless pressed. ("If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.") I have found that silence offends people too. I find fake-ness to be more offensive than brutal honesty, but most people don't share this mindset.
The interesting thing is that I am extremely thin skinned, not easily offended but very easily hurt.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Cutting, Bootie, Boiled Frogs etc...
Dear Imaginary Psychiatrist,
remind me sometime to tell you about the following:
1. The nightmares I have
2. The time I sacrificed a frog
3. The scars on my arms and feet
4. My imaginary friend(s) when I was little
5. My constant struggle with my self-esteem and self-loathing
6. How I am more like my mom than I care to admit
7. How the fucking pills you prescribed aren't working
8. How much I love pot, how I don't smoke it enough, and how I wish it was legal
9. My obsession with grammar, spelling, order, and rules.
10. Turn signals, four way stops, tractor drivers who wave
remind me sometime to tell you about the following:
1. The nightmares I have
2. The time I sacrificed a frog
3. The scars on my arms and feet
4. My imaginary friend(s) when I was little
5. My constant struggle with my self-esteem and self-loathing
6. How I am more like my mom than I care to admit
7. How the fucking pills you prescribed aren't working
8. How much I love pot, how I don't smoke it enough, and how I wish it was legal
9. My obsession with grammar, spelling, order, and rules.
10. Turn signals, four way stops, tractor drivers who wave
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I've Never/I Would Never...
1. I've never cheated on a test -- not in elementary school, junior high, high school or college. Never.
2. I've never cheated on a significant other.
3. I've never been to the west coast. (The only states I have been in are: Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, and Florida, and I flew to Florida so I was never actually in the states in between here and there.) I've never been out of the country either.
4. I've never shaved my entire head. (the bottom half and sides, yes.)
5. I've never gotten drunk on whiskey or scotch. I think I have been drunk on every other type of alcoholic beverage at one time or another though. I really dislike whiskey, and while I thoroughly enjoy the smell of scotch, the taste is a whole different story. Yikes.
6. I've never been in a play. I always wanted to, but I couldn't get past the stage fright during or the anxiety prior to the audition process.
7. I've never been ice skating.
8. I've never been a cheerleader. (But I've always wanted to be one, even in high school while I pretended to think they were so uncool.)
9. I've never been involved in a serious car accident involving a vehicle being totaled, have never been present during a natural disaster, and I've never had a near death experience. (knock on wood)
10. I've never broken a bone.
11. I've never spanked my children (or anyone else's for that matter.) I did swat at Mini's hand once when she was pretty little because I kept telling her "no" and "hot" when she was reaching over and over and over and over again toward the hot stove, and I removed her from the kitchen but she kept coming back, and finally she reached and was going to get severely burned so I slapped her hand sort of instinctively to keep her from getting burned. I cried. (She didn't.) I felt like a monster. I feel guilty about it to this day. I'm really sorry I did that. I don't believe in hitting children.
12. I've never liked history. That is, until I started taking art history classes at school. Suddenly history became a lot more interesting. My husband was a history major. That's funny to me.
13. I've never gotten jewelry/flowers/candy from a significant other as a Valentine's Day or anniversary gift.
14. I've never seen male strippers. (I don't really think I would want to either.) Female strippers seem to really like me though.
15. I've never been excited about our country's leader until Barack Obama became our president.
16. I would never have an abortion. Not even if I were raped. I think abortion is exactly the same as murder, it's just called something else and done in a medical facility under the grossly misleading title of medicine.
17. I've never been good at small talk. I will go to elaborate lengths to avoid someone I don't know very well whom I see in passing (like at Target for example) so that I don't have to make small talk. It makes me hyperventilate slightly and sweat profusely and stutter inexplicably.
18. I've never thought of myself as (or wanted to be) a career woman. That's not to say that I necessarily wanted to be barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen wearing house dresses for all of my adult life either. I'm an artist at heart, and all I ever really wanted to do was take pictures and make art. I guess I always understood that I could do that from home while making babies and baking cookies. Even though the career path is not for me, I do envy the women who go that direction because of their strength and independence and bank accounts they are solely in charge of (and a number of other things too.) Feminism is about choice. I love being a woman and being with women, especially multi-generational gatherings of women. For the record, I love men too, but that wasn't what this was about.
19. I've never been good at making new friends. (See #17.) I think I am seen as aloof or bitchy or something because of it. I really am really friendly, but I get so scared at first, so it takes me a little bit to start being friendly. I am extremely self-conscious. Alcohol helps.
20. I've never thought I was good enough at anything. If I get an 'A' on a paper, I think my professor didn't read it thoroughly, or if I get an 'A' on an art project, I assume it's some sort of a fluke and make a mental list of all the ways it's inferior to other people's pieces. If I get an 'A-' on a test, I will berate myself for days over the one(s) I got wrong. If I get lower than an 'A-', well then I might as well drop the class, drop out of school, crawl in a hole, and die because clearly I am a failure at everything. This has to do with a drawing I made of an elephant when I was about 7 years old, and then a poem I wrote based on a wolf in sheep's clothing when I was 10. I won't get into it now, but these two incidents have shaped me significantly. I always think my successes are undeserved and that at any given point I will be exposed for the fraud that I am. I am reading a lot of self-help books now to remedy this.
21. I've never eaten sushi. It's not that I won't eat it, it's just that I wouldn't know where to get good sushi or what to order/buy if I went to said place. I need someone who knows about sushi to introduce me to its greatness. I very much like the idea of sushi. I want to love sushi.
22. I've never had blue hair. I have, however, had brown, black, blond, orange, burgundy, green, purple, pink, and several shades of red hair.
23. I've never been as happy as I am now. I don't know if it's because I'm in my thirties now and I'm coming into myself more, or if it's because of my husband or my kids or what, but it's great to really be content with my place in the world.
24. I've never been to a Phish concert. I did see Phil Lesh, but on the way in I had my paraphernalia confiscated, and that soured me to the rest of the experience. I was also doing the Atkins thing at that time, and I really hated it since I'm not the biggest of carnivores to begin with, and I was so sugar-deprived that I nearly passed out if it hadn't been for a fence that held me up. The whole thing was really sort of a dud for me.
25. I've never been very good at staying focused on an activity for very long except for art projects. I get very involved with them and tend to stick with it for hours and hours and hours. But other things are hard for me to stay focused on. Like cooking. I love to do it, but I have such bad ADD sometimes, and I get easily distracted. I nearly burned down my kitchen last fall while I was cooking and I forgot something on the stove. A fire started in the pan which eventually burned out when the food in the pan turned to ashes. Luckily for me, that's as far as the fire went especially since the curtains are right next the the pan that was burning. My entire kitchen (walls and cupboards included) is currently covered in sticky black smoke residue, and it doesn't come clean. I will have to repaint in the spring. I also ruined an entire set of sauce pans from similar episodes of forgetfulness over the course of the last 2 years. Oh, and speaking of starting kitchens on fire, I started my kitchen on fire when I was three or four too. We had a gas stove, and I wanted to make my parents breakfast in bed. I turned on the stove and tried to cook breakfast using my kitchen play set pots and pans. They melted and started on fire and I nearly burned down the whole place.
2. I've never cheated on a significant other.
3. I've never been to the west coast. (The only states I have been in are: Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, and Florida, and I flew to Florida so I was never actually in the states in between here and there.) I've never been out of the country either.
4. I've never shaved my entire head. (the bottom half and sides, yes.)
5. I've never gotten drunk on whiskey or scotch. I think I have been drunk on every other type of alcoholic beverage at one time or another though. I really dislike whiskey, and while I thoroughly enjoy the smell of scotch, the taste is a whole different story. Yikes.
6. I've never been in a play. I always wanted to, but I couldn't get past the stage fright during or the anxiety prior to the audition process.
7. I've never been ice skating.
8. I've never been a cheerleader. (But I've always wanted to be one, even in high school while I pretended to think they were so uncool.)
9. I've never been involved in a serious car accident involving a vehicle being totaled, have never been present during a natural disaster, and I've never had a near death experience. (knock on wood)
10. I've never broken a bone.
11. I've never spanked my children (or anyone else's for that matter.) I did swat at Mini's hand once when she was pretty little because I kept telling her "no" and "hot" when she was reaching over and over and over and over again toward the hot stove, and I removed her from the kitchen but she kept coming back, and finally she reached and was going to get severely burned so I slapped her hand sort of instinctively to keep her from getting burned. I cried. (She didn't.) I felt like a monster. I feel guilty about it to this day. I'm really sorry I did that. I don't believe in hitting children.
12. I've never liked history. That is, until I started taking art history classes at school. Suddenly history became a lot more interesting. My husband was a history major. That's funny to me.
13. I've never gotten jewelry/flowers/candy from a significant other as a Valentine's Day or anniversary gift.
14. I've never seen male strippers. (I don't really think I would want to either.) Female strippers seem to really like me though.
15. I've never been excited about our country's leader until Barack Obama became our president.
16. I would never have an abortion. Not even if I were raped. I think abortion is exactly the same as murder, it's just called something else and done in a medical facility under the grossly misleading title of medicine.
17. I've never been good at small talk. I will go to elaborate lengths to avoid someone I don't know very well whom I see in passing (like at Target for example) so that I don't have to make small talk. It makes me hyperventilate slightly and sweat profusely and stutter inexplicably.
18. I've never thought of myself as (or wanted to be) a career woman. That's not to say that I necessarily wanted to be barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen wearing house dresses for all of my adult life either. I'm an artist at heart, and all I ever really wanted to do was take pictures and make art. I guess I always understood that I could do that from home while making babies and baking cookies. Even though the career path is not for me, I do envy the women who go that direction because of their strength and independence and bank accounts they are solely in charge of (and a number of other things too.) Feminism is about choice. I love being a woman and being with women, especially multi-generational gatherings of women. For the record, I love men too, but that wasn't what this was about.
19. I've never been good at making new friends. (See #17.) I think I am seen as aloof or bitchy or something because of it. I really am really friendly, but I get so scared at first, so it takes me a little bit to start being friendly. I am extremely self-conscious. Alcohol helps.
20. I've never thought I was good enough at anything. If I get an 'A' on a paper, I think my professor didn't read it thoroughly, or if I get an 'A' on an art project, I assume it's some sort of a fluke and make a mental list of all the ways it's inferior to other people's pieces. If I get an 'A-' on a test, I will berate myself for days over the one(s) I got wrong. If I get lower than an 'A-', well then I might as well drop the class, drop out of school, crawl in a hole, and die because clearly I am a failure at everything. This has to do with a drawing I made of an elephant when I was about 7 years old, and then a poem I wrote based on a wolf in sheep's clothing when I was 10. I won't get into it now, but these two incidents have shaped me significantly. I always think my successes are undeserved and that at any given point I will be exposed for the fraud that I am. I am reading a lot of self-help books now to remedy this.
21. I've never eaten sushi. It's not that I won't eat it, it's just that I wouldn't know where to get good sushi or what to order/buy if I went to said place. I need someone who knows about sushi to introduce me to its greatness. I very much like the idea of sushi. I want to love sushi.
22. I've never had blue hair. I have, however, had brown, black, blond, orange, burgundy, green, purple, pink, and several shades of red hair.
23. I've never been as happy as I am now. I don't know if it's because I'm in my thirties now and I'm coming into myself more, or if it's because of my husband or my kids or what, but it's great to really be content with my place in the world.
24. I've never been to a Phish concert. I did see Phil Lesh, but on the way in I had my paraphernalia confiscated, and that soured me to the rest of the experience. I was also doing the Atkins thing at that time, and I really hated it since I'm not the biggest of carnivores to begin with, and I was so sugar-deprived that I nearly passed out if it hadn't been for a fence that held me up. The whole thing was really sort of a dud for me.
25. I've never been very good at staying focused on an activity for very long except for art projects. I get very involved with them and tend to stick with it for hours and hours and hours. But other things are hard for me to stay focused on. Like cooking. I love to do it, but I have such bad ADD sometimes, and I get easily distracted. I nearly burned down my kitchen last fall while I was cooking and I forgot something on the stove. A fire started in the pan which eventually burned out when the food in the pan turned to ashes. Luckily for me, that's as far as the fire went especially since the curtains are right next the the pan that was burning. My entire kitchen (walls and cupboards included) is currently covered in sticky black smoke residue, and it doesn't come clean. I will have to repaint in the spring. I also ruined an entire set of sauce pans from similar episodes of forgetfulness over the course of the last 2 years. Oh, and speaking of starting kitchens on fire, I started my kitchen on fire when I was three or four too. We had a gas stove, and I wanted to make my parents breakfast in bed. I turned on the stove and tried to cook breakfast using my kitchen play set pots and pans. They melted and started on fire and I nearly burned down the whole place.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
An Even Newer Update on Babysitting
Jessi just called me at 1pm, and I didn't answer because I was having lunch and I didn't want to be disturbed. She left me a message though. Keep in mind that I sent her a text yesterday morning, and I also left her a voice mail this morning. Here's what her voice mail message said:
"Hi SongBird. It's Jessi. Ummmm... I was just wondering if you were going to be around today. I realized that I have not paid you! So... sorry I missed your call yesterday... Ummm... I'm assuming that's (insert small laugh here) what that was about. Um, just let me know how much I owe you and then just when you're going to be home so I can run it to you or what ever you need to do. Alright? Thanks. Bye."
That message is quoted verbatim. I listened to the message about 10 times to make sure I typed it accurately.
I am exasperated. Can't she listen to her message I left her? I think I need a drink. Oh wait, since I am not babysitting anymore, I don't have extra money for things like a bottle of wine here and there. Crap. No wine for me.
"Hi SongBird. It's Jessi. Ummmm... I was just wondering if you were going to be around today. I realized that I have not paid you! So... sorry I missed your call yesterday... Ummm... I'm assuming that's (insert small laugh here) what that was about. Um, just let me know how much I owe you and then just when you're going to be home so I can run it to you or what ever you need to do. Alright? Thanks. Bye."
That message is quoted verbatim. I listened to the message about 10 times to make sure I typed it accurately.
I am exasperated. Can't she listen to her message I left her? I think I need a drink. Oh wait, since I am not babysitting anymore, I don't have extra money for things like a bottle of wine here and there. Crap. No wine for me.
Update on Babysitting Lay-off
I called Jessi this morning at 9:50AM. :-0 I was so nervous. I didn't talk to her about the future because who knows what's going to happen from this point on, but I needed to ask her about my money. It's Thursday now, and I was supposed to be paid on Monday. I think I have been patient.
Well, let me fill you in on what happened last week first. So last week I was supposed to have Rose on Tuesday and Wednesday. As I already told you, on Tuesday she didn't show up, and I tried to call but couldn't get through because she was out of minutes. Then I got a text from her at 11:30 saying she wasn't coming. I asked about the rest of the week, she replied saying I would have her tomorrow (last Wednesday) and she wasn't sure about the rest of the week since she wasn't working at her job anymore. Then I waited for Rose on Wednesday, and she never showed up. I tried calling, but again didn't get through, and then I sent Jessi a text at about 12:15, and didn't get a reply at all that day.
Then Thursday Jessi sent a text around 11am asking if Rose could come at 12:30pm. I replied "sure" and she texted, "thank you so much." Her boyfriend Mogie dropped Rose off at 12:00pm. When Jessi picked Rose up at 5:00pm, I tried to talk to her a little bit about what was going on, but the conversation didn't go very well. I could tell she was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to put her on the spot in front of Mini and Rib. I asked her what was going to happen with Rose, and she said she didn't know. She said she had "orientation" at Universal Health, but I interpreted that to mean she was already hired and orientation was some sort of come-in-and-get-familiar-with-the-place and fill out paperwork sort of a thing, and when I asked her about a starting date, she said they would let her know by the end of next week (now this week.) So she said she isn't hired yet at all, and that orientation was actually just a series of typing and computer efficiency tests. So it sounds to me like "orientation" is actually a precursor to an interview as a means to eliminate people who aren't even good enough to make the interview cut, therefore it's more of an application process than anything, and that there's no guarantee at all as far as a job goes. She tried to make it sound to me that it was more than that. Anyway, I asked her what that meant for me, and I explained to her that while I have grown attached to Rose, this is still a job for me, and this is my income, and as my income is concerned, I needed to know what to do from here. She said, "I don't know what to tell you." I explained that I turned down two other offers since I started babysitting Rose because I had already made a commitment to them, and that I have been talking to another gal I used to work with and I was trying to figure out what to do. I asked her if I should be actively looking for other babysitting work. She kept repeating, "I don't know what to tell you." She said if I wanted, I could have Rose the following day (last Friday) and I said that was fine, and then I wished her good luck with the job and asked her to let me know as soon as she heard anything about the job. She said she would call me to let me know about babysitting this week, and as of today, Thursday, I never got a call regarding this week at all. Of course I assumed that meant I wasn't babysitting, but with Jessi, you never really know.
I texted her yesterday since that seems to be her preferred method of contact, and I said, "If Rose isn't coming at all this week, can you mail me a check or something? have you heard about the new job yet? Good luck."
I sent that at 10:31 yesterday morning. She never texted back or called or anything to acknowledge that she got it, so I got worried. I thought either she was avoiding me on purpose or that she didn't get the text.
I called her this morning at 9:50am, and I got her voice mail, so I left a message. I said I wasn't sure if she got my text or not because I didn't get a reply, so I thought I better call. I told her good luck on the job again, and that I know a few people who work at Universal Health who like it, and then told her that since Rose isn't coming and it's Thursday now and I usually get paid on Monday, I would like it if she mailed me a check so she doesn't have to go out of her way to come out here. I told her I watched Rose 4 days over the last two weeks but that since Jessi also told me she was coming on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, and I never heard otherwise from her, I also feel that I deserve to be paid for those two days as well, for a total of 6 days, and a total of $180. I said I was sorry to be asking her for that right now while she isn't working, but that I think that's fair because I waited for her all day and she never showed up. (I did not mention the fact that the reason she isn't working is her own fault since she just quit out of the blue with no back up plan at all and no notice to me at all.) Then I wished her good luck on the job again, and told her to have a good day.
I was nervous, but I sucked it up and tried to sound firm without coming off as a huge bitch. I think I did it. I am starting to think she is blowing me off and that she isn't going to pay me at all, or that she is going to wait and wait...
I can't wait. This is my Easter basket money for Rib and the kids. I think she is purposely avoiding me and I am starting to get worried. Grrrr...
Well, let me fill you in on what happened last week first. So last week I was supposed to have Rose on Tuesday and Wednesday. As I already told you, on Tuesday she didn't show up, and I tried to call but couldn't get through because she was out of minutes. Then I got a text from her at 11:30 saying she wasn't coming. I asked about the rest of the week, she replied saying I would have her tomorrow (last Wednesday) and she wasn't sure about the rest of the week since she wasn't working at her job anymore. Then I waited for Rose on Wednesday, and she never showed up. I tried calling, but again didn't get through, and then I sent Jessi a text at about 12:15, and didn't get a reply at all that day.
Then Thursday Jessi sent a text around 11am asking if Rose could come at 12:30pm. I replied "sure" and she texted, "thank you so much." Her boyfriend Mogie dropped Rose off at 12:00pm. When Jessi picked Rose up at 5:00pm, I tried to talk to her a little bit about what was going on, but the conversation didn't go very well. I could tell she was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to put her on the spot in front of Mini and Rib. I asked her what was going to happen with Rose, and she said she didn't know. She said she had "orientation" at Universal Health, but I interpreted that to mean she was already hired and orientation was some sort of come-in-and-get-familiar-with-the-place and fill out paperwork sort of a thing, and when I asked her about a starting date, she said they would let her know by the end of next week (now this week.) So she said she isn't hired yet at all, and that orientation was actually just a series of typing and computer efficiency tests. So it sounds to me like "orientation" is actually a precursor to an interview as a means to eliminate people who aren't even good enough to make the interview cut, therefore it's more of an application process than anything, and that there's no guarantee at all as far as a job goes. She tried to make it sound to me that it was more than that. Anyway, I asked her what that meant for me, and I explained to her that while I have grown attached to Rose, this is still a job for me, and this is my income, and as my income is concerned, I needed to know what to do from here. She said, "I don't know what to tell you." I explained that I turned down two other offers since I started babysitting Rose because I had already made a commitment to them, and that I have been talking to another gal I used to work with and I was trying to figure out what to do. I asked her if I should be actively looking for other babysitting work. She kept repeating, "I don't know what to tell you." She said if I wanted, I could have Rose the following day (last Friday) and I said that was fine, and then I wished her good luck with the job and asked her to let me know as soon as she heard anything about the job. She said she would call me to let me know about babysitting this week, and as of today, Thursday, I never got a call regarding this week at all. Of course I assumed that meant I wasn't babysitting, but with Jessi, you never really know.
I texted her yesterday since that seems to be her preferred method of contact, and I said, "If Rose isn't coming at all this week, can you mail me a check or something? have you heard about the new job yet? Good luck."
I sent that at 10:31 yesterday morning. She never texted back or called or anything to acknowledge that she got it, so I got worried. I thought either she was avoiding me on purpose or that she didn't get the text.
I called her this morning at 9:50am, and I got her voice mail, so I left a message. I said I wasn't sure if she got my text or not because I didn't get a reply, so I thought I better call. I told her good luck on the job again, and that I know a few people who work at Universal Health who like it, and then told her that since Rose isn't coming and it's Thursday now and I usually get paid on Monday, I would like it if she mailed me a check so she doesn't have to go out of her way to come out here. I told her I watched Rose 4 days over the last two weeks but that since Jessi also told me she was coming on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, and I never heard otherwise from her, I also feel that I deserve to be paid for those two days as well, for a total of 6 days, and a total of $180. I said I was sorry to be asking her for that right now while she isn't working, but that I think that's fair because I waited for her all day and she never showed up. (I did not mention the fact that the reason she isn't working is her own fault since she just quit out of the blue with no back up plan at all and no notice to me at all.) Then I wished her good luck on the job again, and told her to have a good day.
I was nervous, but I sucked it up and tried to sound firm without coming off as a huge bitch. I think I did it. I am starting to think she is blowing me off and that she isn't going to pay me at all, or that she is going to wait and wait...
I can't wait. This is my Easter basket money for Rib and the kids. I think she is purposely avoiding me and I am starting to get worried. Grrrr...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Things that Enrage Me
I am watching Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time from beginning to end (thanks to Dish Network's current promotion offering free HBO and Starz for 3 months) today and it is making me think of all these negative things that really make me livid. So I want the negativity out, and therefore I am making a list.
Things that Make My Blood Boil
1. Racism
2. Homophobia
3. Intolerance of any kind really
4. Ignorance combined with a refusal to learn or listen
5. Animal abuse or neglect
6. Child abuse or neglect
7. Abortion (specifically the procedure involved with partial birth abortions)
8. People questioning my parenting techniques or strategies
9. Injustice or unfairness
Things that Make My Blood Boil
1. Racism
2. Homophobia
3. Intolerance of any kind really
4. Ignorance combined with a refusal to learn or listen
5. Animal abuse or neglect
6. Child abuse or neglect
7. Abortion (specifically the procedure involved with partial birth abortions)
8. People questioning my parenting techniques or strategies
9. Injustice or unfairness
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
If It's Broken, Fix It
I am making this list to organize my feelings and thoughts. I am feeling very sad and overwhelmed tonight, and I won't be able to sleep until I get some of this negativity out of my head and into the universe to dissipate and be handled by a force greater then me. I am hoping that I will feel better simply after making the list, but even if I don't, I can use the list as a checklist for things that are broken (read: things that need fixing) and then I can start with the fixing process.
Things That Are Wrong:
1. I lost my babysitting job, therefore have no income from this point forward.
2. I am really going to miss Rose.
3. I am unsure how we are going to fit Easter basket fillings into the budget in the way that I was going to fill the baskets.
4. I am thinner than I currently look.
5. I am trapped in a fat body.
6. My fingernails are pretty ugly.
7. My feet and toenails are gross like a warthog.
8. I have PMS.
9. I weigh 240 pounds. That's as much as some of the Biggest Loser contestants. I'm so fat I should be on a show for fat people.
10. I can't cry when I need to.
11. I do not own any jeans that fit me.
12. Add underwear to that too.
13. I refuse to buy cute new clothes until it's fun to buy cute new clothes.
14. My house is dirty.
15. I broke my coffee pot.
16. Library fines and BOMC statements don't pay themselves.
17. I want that bathroom towel shelf and curtain hooks from Target.
18. I broke a crown on my tooth.
19. Expeditions are expensive!
20. Desi is constipated.
21. I have a LOT of laundry to put away.
22. It would be nice if the sun would come out again.
It's only fair to make a list of things that don't suck, but I am content to wallow right now, so this is where I am going to stop for now.
Things That Are Wrong:
1. I lost my babysitting job, therefore have no income from this point forward.
2. I am really going to miss Rose.
3. I am unsure how we are going to fit Easter basket fillings into the budget in the way that I was going to fill the baskets.
4. I am thinner than I currently look.
5. I am trapped in a fat body.
6. My fingernails are pretty ugly.
7. My feet and toenails are gross like a warthog.
8. I have PMS.
9. I weigh 240 pounds. That's as much as some of the Biggest Loser contestants. I'm so fat I should be on a show for fat people.
10. I can't cry when I need to.
11. I do not own any jeans that fit me.
12. Add underwear to that too.
13. I refuse to buy cute new clothes until it's fun to buy cute new clothes.
14. My house is dirty.
15. I broke my coffee pot.
16. Library fines and BOMC statements don't pay themselves.
17. I want that bathroom towel shelf and curtain hooks from Target.
18. I broke a crown on my tooth.
19. Expeditions are expensive!
20. Desi is constipated.
21. I have a LOT of laundry to put away.
22. It would be nice if the sun would come out again.
It's only fair to make a list of things that don't suck, but I am content to wallow right now, so this is where I am going to stop for now.
Babysitters Get Laid Off Too
I have a lot on my mind today. I need to decompress and unwind and try to get the thoughts in my head organized and less cluttered. I am having a mild breakdown.
The major source of stress today is my status as a babysitter and income earner. Rose's mom told me yesterday that Rose was coming today, but it's 1:00pm now and she isn't here, and I haven't gotten a text or a phone call from her today. Rose was supposed to be here 5 days last week but was sick M - W, so I missed out on 3 days of work ($90) and I understand that Rose was sick and that Rose's mom wanted to keep Rose home with her, but I am still out $90 for last week. And then Rose was supposed to be here yesterday and today, but as of 11:00am yesterday Rose still wasn't here, and I couldn't get through on Rose's mom's phone ("The number you are trying to reach is temporarily not in service...") Then at 11:15am yesterday I got a text from Rose's mom saying, "Hi sorry im out of min. Rose will be w me today." So I am out another $30, which is now $120 total, and so I texted her back and asked "what about the rest of the week?" and she replied, "You will have her tomorrow then im not sure. Im not working at schwans anymore so i have to figure something out." Now today I planned on her being here, but it is nearly 1:00pm, and still no sign of them. I tried calling again, and I sent her a text, but as of yet, no reply. I also called Rose's mom's mom (who is the one who arranged for me to babysit in the first place a year ago since she and my mom work together) and left her a voice mail asking her to have Rose's mom call me if she talks to her. So today is another lost $30, for a grand total of $150 lost between last week and this week. I am frustrated, sad, worried, angry. And I have really grown attached to Rose, and I just made plans for several things we were going to do this spring and summer. Now I don't have a clue what the spring holds.
I am going to have to move forward thinking that the text about not having a job means that she will no longer need me. So I have just been "laid off" from her job as babysitter of a 2-year-old... or at least I assume so since Rose's mom is now among Wisconsin's 8.8% who are unemployed.
So not only am I out the $150 that I was counting on having budget wise from last week and this week (Easter baskets) but now I may also be out of a job altogether, meaning I have no money for anything ever (currently paying off a few debts, need clothes and underwear, was going to buy the family membership to the Eau Claire Children's Museum, just registered Desi and Rose for a learn & play group weekly starting in April, had plans to go to the flea market in April with J-love and wanted a lot of cash for that...) I turned down two other babysitting jobs for them since I took on Rose. I am sort of pissed. Fuck that, I totally AM pissed.
I had a conversation with my mom about it asking her advice, and from the sounds of her most recent conversation with her co-worker (Rose's grandma) it seems as if Rose's mom (let's call her Jada) is just completely irresponsible. Last Wednesday, Rose's grandma (let's call her Bev) went to Rose's mom's house because she couldn't get a hold of Jada, and when Bev got there in the afternoon, Jada was still in bed and Rose was at Rose's dad's house. I was told that Rose was sick and that Jada was keeping Rose home with her. To make matters worse, Bev asked Jada what was going on, and apparently Jada called her employer on Wednesday and told them "it's not working out." She just got a new apartment in the last couple months so I assume she has a fairly new lease, and she has a 2-year-old daughter, and now she has no job. And it wasn't like she got laid off or even fired -- she called and quit! Wtf? Anyway, my mom's advice is to try to find a new babysitting job and to forget about Rose, and she also said that I have every right to ask to get paid for yesterday and today even though Jada never showed up. I have a hard time asking for things like that and standing up for myself, but after talking to Mom, I did call Jada, but I got that "temporarily out of service" message again so I couldn't talk to her. I did leave a message for Jada's mom though, and apologized for bothering her at work, and asked her to have Jada call me once Bev talks to her. She said she will do that and apologized for her daughter's behavior. She also said that if Jada doesn't pay me for today and yesterday that she will. If it came down to it and Bev got custody of Rose, I would gladly deal with Bev from now on and continue to babysit Rose. I am going to miss Rose.
The major source of stress today is my status as a babysitter and income earner. Rose's mom told me yesterday that Rose was coming today, but it's 1:00pm now and she isn't here, and I haven't gotten a text or a phone call from her today. Rose was supposed to be here 5 days last week but was sick M - W, so I missed out on 3 days of work ($90) and I understand that Rose was sick and that Rose's mom wanted to keep Rose home with her, but I am still out $90 for last week. And then Rose was supposed to be here yesterday and today, but as of 11:00am yesterday Rose still wasn't here, and I couldn't get through on Rose's mom's phone ("The number you are trying to reach is temporarily not in service...") Then at 11:15am yesterday I got a text from Rose's mom saying, "Hi sorry im out of min. Rose will be w me today." So I am out another $30, which is now $120 total, and so I texted her back and asked "what about the rest of the week?" and she replied, "You will have her tomorrow then im not sure. Im not working at schwans anymore so i have to figure something out." Now today I planned on her being here, but it is nearly 1:00pm, and still no sign of them. I tried calling again, and I sent her a text, but as of yet, no reply. I also called Rose's mom's mom (who is the one who arranged for me to babysit in the first place a year ago since she and my mom work together) and left her a voice mail asking her to have Rose's mom call me if she talks to her. So today is another lost $30, for a grand total of $150 lost between last week and this week. I am frustrated, sad, worried, angry. And I have really grown attached to Rose, and I just made plans for several things we were going to do this spring and summer. Now I don't have a clue what the spring holds.
I am going to have to move forward thinking that the text about not having a job means that she will no longer need me. So I have just been "laid off" from her job as babysitter of a 2-year-old... or at least I assume so since Rose's mom is now among Wisconsin's 8.8% who are unemployed.
So not only am I out the $150 that I was counting on having budget wise from last week and this week (Easter baskets) but now I may also be out of a job altogether, meaning I have no money for anything ever (currently paying off a few debts, need clothes and underwear, was going to buy the family membership to the Eau Claire Children's Museum, just registered Desi and Rose for a learn & play group weekly starting in April, had plans to go to the flea market in April with J-love and wanted a lot of cash for that...) I turned down two other babysitting jobs for them since I took on Rose. I am sort of pissed. Fuck that, I totally AM pissed.
I had a conversation with my mom about it asking her advice, and from the sounds of her most recent conversation with her co-worker (Rose's grandma) it seems as if Rose's mom (let's call her Jada) is just completely irresponsible. Last Wednesday, Rose's grandma (let's call her Bev) went to Rose's mom's house because she couldn't get a hold of Jada, and when Bev got there in the afternoon, Jada was still in bed and Rose was at Rose's dad's house. I was told that Rose was sick and that Jada was keeping Rose home with her. To make matters worse, Bev asked Jada what was going on, and apparently Jada called her employer on Wednesday and told them "it's not working out." She just got a new apartment in the last couple months so I assume she has a fairly new lease, and she has a 2-year-old daughter, and now she has no job. And it wasn't like she got laid off or even fired -- she called and quit! Wtf? Anyway, my mom's advice is to try to find a new babysitting job and to forget about Rose, and she also said that I have every right to ask to get paid for yesterday and today even though Jada never showed up. I have a hard time asking for things like that and standing up for myself, but after talking to Mom, I did call Jada, but I got that "temporarily out of service" message again so I couldn't talk to her. I did leave a message for Jada's mom though, and apologized for bothering her at work, and asked her to have Jada call me once Bev talks to her. She said she will do that and apologized for her daughter's behavior. She also said that if Jada doesn't pay me for today and yesterday that she will. If it came down to it and Bev got custody of Rose, I would gladly deal with Bev from now on and continue to babysit Rose. I am going to miss Rose.
Random Pickings from Today's swirling Thoughts
Random pickings from the swirling thoughts:
We are having BLATs for supper tonight (bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato) for supper tonight. Yum. And I am making a meatloaf for tomorrow. I've never made one. I hope it turns out. (yikes! could be a disaster!) And I am also making banana bread for the babies and Mini. Rib and I can't eat it because we are trying hard to keep up with WW and our daily points, and banana bread is too scrumptious to just have 2 points worth with the morning yogurt. It is for me, anyway.
Friday SIL EK will have the kids, and Rib and I are going to Cadott to go see our friends Woody and Lucy who are having a cookout and getting a half barrel of beer. We might have to spend the night. We're making the burgers. Then Saturday Rib might be going to the cities to Cabela's for a new tent for us with his dad and his uncle. And Sunday we are going this kids expo thing... or at least I was planning on going, but it's $5 a person and I was going to pay for it with my babysitting money, but the babysitting has been sporadic lately, so maybe we'll have to scrap that.
I am looking forward to Zumba. April 14th is when it starts. I am going with Mom and Mini.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Email to My Doctor
Wednesday, 3/11/09, my son Desi had his 18 month check-up. Our family doctor sees all four of us (as well as my brother and my cousin, and he's a colleague of my mom.) When we saw him on Wednesday, Mini was with me because she had been home sick all week with a nasty cold. Her asthma was aggravated by the cold, and she was in rough shape. Desi, Mini and I all had the same cold that we got on Saturday or Sunday. At the appointment, Dr S also examined Mini briefly out of concern for her asthma acting up. After the visit, he asked me several times emphatically to email him Thursday night or Friday morning with an update on the health of everyone in the household. I asked him what exactly he wanted to know, and he replied, "everything."
This is the exact email I sent to him last night/this morning at 1 something A.M. edited only for privacy by removing actual names and birth dates.
Rib
Rib says that his hands are as good as they've been in months. He says he is doing a new thing with the new medicine. When he first wakes up in the morning around 6, he puts on regular lotion and applies it every two hours. At noon, he puts on the new medicine and lets it soak in. Then he keeps putting on the lotion every two hours, and puts the new medicine on again before bed. He says this is working pretty well for him. There is still some splitting and there are some bumps, but he isn't too bothered by the itchiness. The cracks are mostly on his pinkies and thumbs. Rib says he can live with this though. All in all, he is pleased with the condition of his hands. The cold that has ravaged through our household started with him, and he is almost 100% again. He has a little cough here and there, but for the most part, you couldn't tell he was recently sick unless you had prior knowledge of it.
Desi
Desi has a cold, but he is tolerating it really well. He started to show cold symptoms on Saturday, 3/7. His nose is constantly running, and he sounds stuffy when he is sleeping. The runny nose doesn't seem to bother him too badly until we try to wipe it. The mucous is clear and pretty runny. His cheeks have been pretty rosy and his head often feels warm to me, but he hasn't had a fever at all (not even a mild one.) He does have a cough, but his cough isn't as bad as Mini's or mine is. It doesn't seem to get worse when he lays down for bedtime. He wakes up in the morning and from his naps coughing, and I hear him a little bit once or twice in the night, but that's about it. He has been sleeping a little worse than usual (waking up an hour or two earlier than normal which equates to two or three hours earlier than his internal clock since daylight savings time started last week.) For example, he usually wakes up at 9am every morning (before and after the time change.) But the last couple days he has woken up at 7:00am and at 7:50am, which is really early for him. This morning when he woke up he was very cold, and his feet were purplish. We keep our house pretty cool at night, so it was only about 61 degrees in here at that time of day, but he was in plenty of layers for warmth and he had warm blankets too. I was concerned about him being so cold, but he was fine and ate breakfast fine and acted fine and warmed up once he started playing. Despite his cold, he has been in great spirits and has shown no indication of lethargy. He plays all day and has still been eating, although his appetite isn't quite as good as it was before he got the cold. He hasn't had a BM since Tuesday 3/10 when we had to help him go by opening up his anus for him. That one was about 8" in length and close to an inch in circumference. Today he didn't act at all like he had to go or that he was holding anything in. We started 2 teaspoons of Miralax instead of just one teaspoon today. We haven't added Benefiber yet. We thought we'd try one thing at a time. We are also giving him a wide variety of foods including apples, apple juice, pineapple, yogurt, and oatmeal. I try not to give him too many binding foods, but I don't want to completely avoid cheese and (brown) rice and bananas either. He loves them, and they're good for him.
Mini
Mini still has her cold, but she started to feel better than she had previously by Wednesday night, and announced that she would be going to school today. Last night we gave her a teaspoon of honey before bed to help with the coughing. She was still coughing after midnight. She says it is much worse once she lies down. We have her propped up on a bunch of pillows, but it's difficult for her to fall asleep in a semi-upright position. Last night we didn't give her any NyQuil because it helped knock her out on Monday night but not on Tuesday, so we figured it wasn't worth giving to her if it wasn't going to work anyway. Her nose is still running profusely, and she is blowing it a ton, but she feels less achy and sore and fatigued. This morning she looked much better. Her eyes were less dull and her complexion was better. She went to school this morning, but called me once she got there because the buses weren't there, there were no cars in the parking lot, and no one was in the school. I had to look up (her) school on the Internet to find out that they canceled school today for the state basketball tournament. Funny. Anyway, she was in good spirits today. She seemed much less defeated and sad. Her color was good and she was cheery. We went grocery shopping tonight and she didn't complain about feeling tired or sore.
While we were shopping, we picked up her prescriptions for Prednisone and her inhaler. The inhaler had a $25 co-payment for it which surprised me, but the pharmacist said they don't make generic albuterol anymore because of the cloro floro carbons or something. I picked up the Prednisone just to have it here. I didn't think either one of us necessarily needed it, but I wanted to have it here just in case. We had Mini take two puffs of the inhaler with a spacer right away to try to open things up for her. That was at about 6:30pm. Mini went to bed tonight at 8:30 to do a half hour of reading before bed, and she coughed non-stop. When it was time for bed, we gave her a teaspoon of honey again figuring it couldn't hurt. We had her take two more puffs of the inhaler at 9pm. She went to bed, but she coughed and coughed and coughed until she coughed so hard she threw up. That happened twice. That made her cry because she couldn't stop coughing and it hurt. I decided to give her one of the tablets of Prednisone. I didn't give her two tablets because it was right before bed, and I didn't want her to get too wired. As of 11:30, she was still coughing, but definitely not as often or as hard. We figured that even if she wasn't sleeping, if she wasn't coughing she would have a chance at getting some rest. We plan to send her to school tomorrow. I hope she can get all her homework and then come home and get all caught up this weekend before she goes back on Monday. She's a smart cookie, so she should be fine. Mini is 11 1/2 as of this coming Sunday. She hasn't gotten her period yet, but I expect it is coming soon. We have talked about it quite a bit. She has pubescent symptoms: hips and breasts developing, mood swings, acne. Her face is breaking out frequently, and her hair gets oily fast, she stinks under her arms if she doesn't wear deodorant and wash frequently, but I still have to harp on her to wash her face every morning with face wash, put on deodorant, brush her teeth, and shower at least every other day. And when she showers, I have to remind her to wash her genitals and her underarms and her hair really well. She likes to look cute and dress cute, but her vanity doesn't extend to her personal hygiene I guess. It is very frustrating. She is starting to let one of her school subjects slack a little bit and had to be disciplined for it. She doesn't like Social Studies, and because of this, she doesn't study for her tests or complete all her assignments in SS. My position is that she doesn't have to like it, but she still has to do it. All the homework, all the tests, all the participation... She still has to give it 100%. I was upset with her when her last progress report said she had late/missing/incomplete assignments in Social Studies, and that she had gotten a low C on a test that she never mentioned to us or studied for, and that she had only 40/50 participation points in the class. She can at least participate in class. She does in all her other ones. besides that, we don't have any issues with her, but we notice that she has a lot of issues with her friends at school. I don't know if it's normal pre-teen girl behavior or if she's socially challenged, but she is constantly best friends with someone, and then suddenly everyone in her class hates her and she has no friends. I don't get it, and it hurts me to see her hurting when she is the odd man out. Anyway, she's a great kid. She is really smart and wonderful in a million different ways, but these are our only issues. That isn't too bad I don't think.
Little Song Bird
I want to take this cold and shove it. Two kids and a mom on day 6 makes for a cranky, snotty, coughing, germ-infested, sleep-deprived, getting-nothing-done atmosphere. I can't sleep at night. Snot drains out of my nose and tickles me as it drips out. I have to lie down with a Kleenex wadded up in my nostril. The sinus pressure is nearly unbearable across the bridge of my nose. This sore throat is killing me, especially when I cough, which is about every 30 seconds. It feels like Andre the Giant is squeezing tightly around my chest. I can't take a deep breath. My back aches, and my neck hurts, and I am tired, tired, tired. I get exhausted just carrying up a basket of clean clothes from the basement. (Needless to say, I'm a little behind on laundry because of this cold.) I have shivers from being cold followed almost immediately by feeling extremely hot. It sucks. On the bright side, I can at least tell that it's letting up a bit. I feel better tonight than I did when I woke up this morning. My breathing is a little tough. I can't do much without getting out of breath and feeling extremely winded. I wheeze when I lie down at night. I've had a hacking cough all day that leaves me sweaty and breathless when the attack is over. I am using the Advair like normal, 250/50 dose each morning and night. I am also using my Ventolin inhaler about every 2 or 3 hours for the past few days. I don't usually have to use it that much. I am also taking 1/2 tablet of Valtrex every day for the past couple days to prevent cold sores while I am blowing and wiping my nose so much.
If it weren't for the cold, things are going pretty well for me. I have an appt on Monday morning with you.
The medications I am currently taking are:
Tri-Sprintec for birth control, one pill per day
Pre-natal vitamin, one per day
Valtrex to prevent cold sores, 1/2 per day
Prilosec OTC, 1 or 2 per day, depending on what I eat or drink that day
Advair 250/50, 2 times per day
Ventolin inhaler, as needed, usually only 2 puffs once or twice per day
I slept horribly last night because of the cold, but in general I seem to have insomnia frequently. I don't take anything for it because I don't want to be so drugged that I can't hear Desi if he wakes up or that I would not wake up in a fire or other emergency.
I feel anxious a lot of the time, and I have a tendency to bite and pick my fingernails obsessively when I am feeling anxious/worried/stressed/sad. I don't notice I am doing it until someone points it out. I must do it often though because my fingernails are uglier than any I have ever seen.
I am very emotional and I cry easily. I don't think I am depressed or sad, but things affect me hard. I cry during movies, tv shows, commercials, when Jered brings me a cup of hot chocolate, when I am feeling immense gratitude for something, when I am happy, when I give Henry a bath... I cry a lot. Not sit alone on the bathroom crying for no reason though. I always have a trigger.
My bowel movements are really screwed up. I poop every day at 10am, which is good. But besides that, if I am planning to go out with friends for a night and leaving my house and my kids, I get diarrhea. This happens every single time. I pooped my pants from it a few times. I missed a final for one of my classes in 2006 because I pooped myself while driving to school. Because I missed the final, I failed the class. (I had an 'A' before I missed the final.) I never told the professor why I missed. I never told anyone. Rib doesn't even know I missed that final or that I got the F. That wasn't an isolated incident with school and pooping. But it's extremely humiliating, and I can't really comfortably talk about it. It is clearly psychosomatic. There is a direct correlation between excitement or nervousness or anxiety and my diarrhea, but it doesn't happen predictably at a certain time of day or something. It's only sometimes when I am stressed or scared or worried or excitedly looking forward to something, but who knows when? And who does that? It's freakish and gross. I briefly talked to the midwives about it when I had my last annual exam, but they suggested it might be that I had loose anal muscles or that I rush my daily BM, and neither of those is the case. I didn't feel like talking to them anymore about it. I was embarrassed enough. They also suggested changing my diet. It's not my diet.
The number one major concern for me right now is my weight. I am not within a healthy range, and besides that, I don't feel good or comfortable in my own skin. Rib and I are doing Weight Watchers at home, but it works for a little bit and then stops working, and then I get frustrated and I want to quit. I don't get consistent results with it and it makes me mad because I feel like I am depriving myself and being diligent, and then I don't lost any weight. It is so frustrating not to be able to lose weight. I started doing a couple different workout DVDs at home, but I haven't been doing any since I've been sick. I feel better about myself when I work out every day, and I can breathe better too. I plan to keep that up, results or not in the weight department. I am looking for ephedrine or something with it in it on the Internet so that I can keep my appetite down and my energy up, and I know when I used to take it in the past (several years ago, before it was pulled from shelves) it helped me control; my weight and my appetite. I used to buy it over the counter as a bronchialator. When I didn't have insurance 10 years ago or so, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor to get a prescription, and I couldn't afford the prescriptions anyway, so I drank a lot of caffeine and took a lot of ephedrine to help with my breathing. It helped. I was very happy with the additional weight management benefits too. I am convinced that I have a thyroid disorder despite the fact that I have had my blood tested and my levels always come back within the normal range. I have done a lot of research on it, and I am skeptical of the tests because I don't necessarily believe that my "normal" is the same as everyone else's average "normal." What if my levels are supposed to be higher in order for my body to function at its peak?
I haven't taken any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications since I found out I was pregnant with Desi. I am very happy about that. I don't like to feel "crazy."
Rib and I plan to stop birth control and attempt to get pregnant sometime between June and September. That will be our last baby. We are thinking that Rib will get a vasectomy after the baby is born so I can stop taking birth control permanently.
That is every single thing I can think of that has to do with health, medicine, sickness or wellness in regards to the four of us. When you asked for an email I doubt you were looking for a novella, but I wasn't sure what exactly to write, so I wrote it all.
It is now after 1am, and Mini hasn't coughed since 11:30 or so. That is great news. That's with one Prednisone tablet at bedtime. I'm so glad she was able to sleep still.
This is the exact email I sent to him last night/this morning at 1 something A.M. edited only for privacy by removing actual names and birth dates.
Rib
Rib says that his hands are as good as they've been in months. He says he is doing a new thing with the new medicine. When he first wakes up in the morning around 6, he puts on regular lotion and applies it every two hours. At noon, he puts on the new medicine and lets it soak in. Then he keeps putting on the lotion every two hours, and puts the new medicine on again before bed. He says this is working pretty well for him. There is still some splitting and there are some bumps, but he isn't too bothered by the itchiness. The cracks are mostly on his pinkies and thumbs. Rib says he can live with this though. All in all, he is pleased with the condition of his hands. The cold that has ravaged through our household started with him, and he is almost 100% again. He has a little cough here and there, but for the most part, you couldn't tell he was recently sick unless you had prior knowledge of it.
Desi
Desi has a cold, but he is tolerating it really well. He started to show cold symptoms on Saturday, 3/7. His nose is constantly running, and he sounds stuffy when he is sleeping. The runny nose doesn't seem to bother him too badly until we try to wipe it. The mucous is clear and pretty runny. His cheeks have been pretty rosy and his head often feels warm to me, but he hasn't had a fever at all (not even a mild one.) He does have a cough, but his cough isn't as bad as Mini's or mine is. It doesn't seem to get worse when he lays down for bedtime. He wakes up in the morning and from his naps coughing, and I hear him a little bit once or twice in the night, but that's about it. He has been sleeping a little worse than usual (waking up an hour or two earlier than normal which equates to two or three hours earlier than his internal clock since daylight savings time started last week.) For example, he usually wakes up at 9am every morning (before and after the time change.) But the last couple days he has woken up at 7:00am and at 7:50am, which is really early for him. This morning when he woke up he was very cold, and his feet were purplish. We keep our house pretty cool at night, so it was only about 61 degrees in here at that time of day, but he was in plenty of layers for warmth and he had warm blankets too. I was concerned about him being so cold, but he was fine and ate breakfast fine and acted fine and warmed up once he started playing. Despite his cold, he has been in great spirits and has shown no indication of lethargy. He plays all day and has still been eating, although his appetite isn't quite as good as it was before he got the cold. He hasn't had a BM since Tuesday 3/10 when we had to help him go by opening up his anus for him. That one was about 8" in length and close to an inch in circumference. Today he didn't act at all like he had to go or that he was holding anything in. We started 2 teaspoons of Miralax instead of just one teaspoon today. We haven't added Benefiber yet. We thought we'd try one thing at a time. We are also giving him a wide variety of foods including apples, apple juice, pineapple, yogurt, and oatmeal. I try not to give him too many binding foods, but I don't want to completely avoid cheese and (brown) rice and bananas either. He loves them, and they're good for him.
Mini
Mini still has her cold, but she started to feel better than she had previously by Wednesday night, and announced that she would be going to school today. Last night we gave her a teaspoon of honey before bed to help with the coughing. She was still coughing after midnight. She says it is much worse once she lies down. We have her propped up on a bunch of pillows, but it's difficult for her to fall asleep in a semi-upright position. Last night we didn't give her any NyQuil because it helped knock her out on Monday night but not on Tuesday, so we figured it wasn't worth giving to her if it wasn't going to work anyway. Her nose is still running profusely, and she is blowing it a ton, but she feels less achy and sore and fatigued. This morning she looked much better. Her eyes were less dull and her complexion was better. She went to school this morning, but called me once she got there because the buses weren't there, there were no cars in the parking lot, and no one was in the school. I had to look up (her) school on the Internet to find out that they canceled school today for the state basketball tournament. Funny. Anyway, she was in good spirits today. She seemed much less defeated and sad. Her color was good and she was cheery. We went grocery shopping tonight and she didn't complain about feeling tired or sore.
While we were shopping, we picked up her prescriptions for Prednisone and her inhaler. The inhaler had a $25 co-payment for it which surprised me, but the pharmacist said they don't make generic albuterol anymore because of the cloro floro carbons or something. I picked up the Prednisone just to have it here. I didn't think either one of us necessarily needed it, but I wanted to have it here just in case. We had Mini take two puffs of the inhaler with a spacer right away to try to open things up for her. That was at about 6:30pm. Mini went to bed tonight at 8:30 to do a half hour of reading before bed, and she coughed non-stop. When it was time for bed, we gave her a teaspoon of honey again figuring it couldn't hurt. We had her take two more puffs of the inhaler at 9pm. She went to bed, but she coughed and coughed and coughed until she coughed so hard she threw up. That happened twice. That made her cry because she couldn't stop coughing and it hurt. I decided to give her one of the tablets of Prednisone. I didn't give her two tablets because it was right before bed, and I didn't want her to get too wired. As of 11:30, she was still coughing, but definitely not as often or as hard. We figured that even if she wasn't sleeping, if she wasn't coughing she would have a chance at getting some rest. We plan to send her to school tomorrow. I hope she can get all her homework and then come home and get all caught up this weekend before she goes back on Monday. She's a smart cookie, so she should be fine. Mini is 11 1/2 as of this coming Sunday. She hasn't gotten her period yet, but I expect it is coming soon. We have talked about it quite a bit. She has pubescent symptoms: hips and breasts developing, mood swings, acne. Her face is breaking out frequently, and her hair gets oily fast, she stinks under her arms if she doesn't wear deodorant and wash frequently, but I still have to harp on her to wash her face every morning with face wash, put on deodorant, brush her teeth, and shower at least every other day. And when she showers, I have to remind her to wash her genitals and her underarms and her hair really well. She likes to look cute and dress cute, but her vanity doesn't extend to her personal hygiene I guess. It is very frustrating. She is starting to let one of her school subjects slack a little bit and had to be disciplined for it. She doesn't like Social Studies, and because of this, she doesn't study for her tests or complete all her assignments in SS. My position is that she doesn't have to like it, but she still has to do it. All the homework, all the tests, all the participation... She still has to give it 100%. I was upset with her when her last progress report said she had late/missing/incomplete assignments in Social Studies, and that she had gotten a low C on a test that she never mentioned to us or studied for, and that she had only 40/50 participation points in the class. She can at least participate in class. She does in all her other ones. besides that, we don't have any issues with her, but we notice that she has a lot of issues with her friends at school. I don't know if it's normal pre-teen girl behavior or if she's socially challenged, but she is constantly best friends with someone, and then suddenly everyone in her class hates her and she has no friends. I don't get it, and it hurts me to see her hurting when she is the odd man out. Anyway, she's a great kid. She is really smart and wonderful in a million different ways, but these are our only issues. That isn't too bad I don't think.
Little Song Bird
I want to take this cold and shove it. Two kids and a mom on day 6 makes for a cranky, snotty, coughing, germ-infested, sleep-deprived, getting-nothing-done atmosphere. I can't sleep at night. Snot drains out of my nose and tickles me as it drips out. I have to lie down with a Kleenex wadded up in my nostril. The sinus pressure is nearly unbearable across the bridge of my nose. This sore throat is killing me, especially when I cough, which is about every 30 seconds. It feels like Andre the Giant is squeezing tightly around my chest. I can't take a deep breath. My back aches, and my neck hurts, and I am tired, tired, tired. I get exhausted just carrying up a basket of clean clothes from the basement. (Needless to say, I'm a little behind on laundry because of this cold.) I have shivers from being cold followed almost immediately by feeling extremely hot. It sucks. On the bright side, I can at least tell that it's letting up a bit. I feel better tonight than I did when I woke up this morning. My breathing is a little tough. I can't do much without getting out of breath and feeling extremely winded. I wheeze when I lie down at night. I've had a hacking cough all day that leaves me sweaty and breathless when the attack is over. I am using the Advair like normal, 250/50 dose each morning and night. I am also using my Ventolin inhaler about every 2 or 3 hours for the past few days. I don't usually have to use it that much. I am also taking 1/2 tablet of Valtrex every day for the past couple days to prevent cold sores while I am blowing and wiping my nose so much.
If it weren't for the cold, things are going pretty well for me. I have an appt on Monday morning with you.
The medications I am currently taking are:
Tri-Sprintec for birth control, one pill per day
Pre-natal vitamin, one per day
Valtrex to prevent cold sores, 1/2 per day
Prilosec OTC, 1 or 2 per day, depending on what I eat or drink that day
Advair 250/50, 2 times per day
Ventolin inhaler, as needed, usually only 2 puffs once or twice per day
I slept horribly last night because of the cold, but in general I seem to have insomnia frequently. I don't take anything for it because I don't want to be so drugged that I can't hear Desi if he wakes up or that I would not wake up in a fire or other emergency.
I feel anxious a lot of the time, and I have a tendency to bite and pick my fingernails obsessively when I am feeling anxious/worried/stressed/sad. I don't notice I am doing it until someone points it out. I must do it often though because my fingernails are uglier than any I have ever seen.
I am very emotional and I cry easily. I don't think I am depressed or sad, but things affect me hard. I cry during movies, tv shows, commercials, when Jered brings me a cup of hot chocolate, when I am feeling immense gratitude for something, when I am happy, when I give Henry a bath... I cry a lot. Not sit alone on the bathroom crying for no reason though. I always have a trigger.
My bowel movements are really screwed up. I poop every day at 10am, which is good. But besides that, if I am planning to go out with friends for a night and leaving my house and my kids, I get diarrhea. This happens every single time. I pooped my pants from it a few times. I missed a final for one of my classes in 2006 because I pooped myself while driving to school. Because I missed the final, I failed the class. (I had an 'A' before I missed the final.) I never told the professor why I missed. I never told anyone. Rib doesn't even know I missed that final or that I got the F. That wasn't an isolated incident with school and pooping. But it's extremely humiliating, and I can't really comfortably talk about it. It is clearly psychosomatic. There is a direct correlation between excitement or nervousness or anxiety and my diarrhea, but it doesn't happen predictably at a certain time of day or something. It's only sometimes when I am stressed or scared or worried or excitedly looking forward to something, but who knows when? And who does that? It's freakish and gross. I briefly talked to the midwives about it when I had my last annual exam, but they suggested it might be that I had loose anal muscles or that I rush my daily BM, and neither of those is the case. I didn't feel like talking to them anymore about it. I was embarrassed enough. They also suggested changing my diet. It's not my diet.
The number one major concern for me right now is my weight. I am not within a healthy range, and besides that, I don't feel good or comfortable in my own skin. Rib and I are doing Weight Watchers at home, but it works for a little bit and then stops working, and then I get frustrated and I want to quit. I don't get consistent results with it and it makes me mad because I feel like I am depriving myself and being diligent, and then I don't lost any weight. It is so frustrating not to be able to lose weight. I started doing a couple different workout DVDs at home, but I haven't been doing any since I've been sick. I feel better about myself when I work out every day, and I can breathe better too. I plan to keep that up, results or not in the weight department. I am looking for ephedrine or something with it in it on the Internet so that I can keep my appetite down and my energy up, and I know when I used to take it in the past (several years ago, before it was pulled from shelves) it helped me control; my weight and my appetite. I used to buy it over the counter as a bronchialator. When I didn't have insurance 10 years ago or so, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor to get a prescription, and I couldn't afford the prescriptions anyway, so I drank a lot of caffeine and took a lot of ephedrine to help with my breathing. It helped. I was very happy with the additional weight management benefits too. I am convinced that I have a thyroid disorder despite the fact that I have had my blood tested and my levels always come back within the normal range. I have done a lot of research on it, and I am skeptical of the tests because I don't necessarily believe that my "normal" is the same as everyone else's average "normal." What if my levels are supposed to be higher in order for my body to function at its peak?
I haven't taken any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications since I found out I was pregnant with Desi. I am very happy about that. I don't like to feel "crazy."
Rib and I plan to stop birth control and attempt to get pregnant sometime between June and September. That will be our last baby. We are thinking that Rib will get a vasectomy after the baby is born so I can stop taking birth control permanently.
That is every single thing I can think of that has to do with health, medicine, sickness or wellness in regards to the four of us. When you asked for an email I doubt you were looking for a novella, but I wasn't sure what exactly to write, so I wrote it all.
It is now after 1am, and Mini hasn't coughed since 11:30 or so. That is great news. That's with one Prednisone tablet at bedtime. I'm so glad she was able to sleep still.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Random Things About Me (Uncensored Version)
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Saturday, March 7, 2009
How Much I Hate Pimples (Official Post #1)
This is an email I sent to D-rock and several other friends a long time ago. And then I posted it as a blog entry on MySpace, but I never check MySpace anymore, so it's getting posted here now. And it's funny, so I am posting it here for all to read and enjoy. Feel free to make fun of me for it later on, I can take it. But be sort of nice at least. Please.
Disclaimer -- this is not for the faint of heart or easily grossed out.
True story circa 2005 or 2006. Enjoy.
C and I have been emailing back and forth all week last week and into this week because we each had a stubborn and gross pimple, and both were UGs,* because we both had PMS. C said at one point that she thought she had a skin disease that causes her to get zits the size of Mt Rushmore in her middle age, and that she had an additional medical condition that causes her to pick at them. She adamantly insists though that she didn't touch this one at all. She also added that she was a walking zit, and that she was a monster. So I replied to her: "I touched mine. I tried to cut it open because I couldn't pop it. Is that too much? Have I gone too far in telling you that?"
And that was true. The other night I tried to cut it open with a razor blade. Katie and I have always talked about it, and how we want to do that, how GREAT it would be, and if only we could just get a scalpel and get in there and cut the damn thing open we could then gently squeeze out the remaining pus pocket and then the UG would be gone and we could let the stupid thing start to heal finally, if only we could get the pus out. So I called Katie afterward to tell her about it too, because it was always sort of our dream, but it didn't work, and I needed to fill her in on it. She needed to know all the details. So I told her about how I made a series of cuts in a sunburst sort of a design from the center of the pimple, but that while it bled a little bit, I never got to the core of the problem. Katie thought that was just hilarious.
So anyway, in response to me telling C I had cut it open, she replied with the following: "I tried everything. I tried a warm/damp washcloth cuz I read in a magazine it makes the stuff come out and be ready to pop. I tried a cold pack to make the swelling go down and the redness go away. I tried a saylic (sp) acid zit cream and a benzoyl (sp) peroxide zit cream, then I poked at it. I tried hydrogen peroxide to dry it up. Now it's a disaster and I tried to cover it with makeup. The makeup looks bad but the zit uncovered looks 100 times worse." So I got an idea!!! (Note that she said that none of these things worked, but I didn't care!) I got an idea from C's email about what she had tried to do to get rid of her zit, and thought that if I tried a combo of hot water washcloth with a cold compress afterward that I could get rid of my pimple and alleviate the pain, pressure and swelling as well as the redness and pus-iness. Keep in mind that this pimple was right between my eyebrows, right in the middle of the bridge of my nose, and it was very painful, caused a lot of pressure on my sinuses, and was giving me headaches that kept me awake at night. I was beyond desperate. It hurt, and it was really red, swollen for about the entire area of my nose, and it was ugly. Ugly. U-G-L-Y. So Monday night I had had it, the zit had been there for about 6 days at that point, and the popping didn't work, the pimple medicine didn't work, tea tree oil didn't work, Burt's Bees Blemish stick didn't work, cutting it open with a razor blade didn't work, and scrubbing it with a facial loofah and an apricot facial scrub didn't work. Desperation had set in.
So I boiled water and then I poured it in a cup, thinking to myself that by the time the water got into the cup it wouldn't be hot enough anymore because the cup would cool it down too much, but I would try it anyway. I poured the water into the cup, waited about a minute so it wouldn't be boiling hot anymore, and then dipped the washcloth in the water and applied it to my pimple area, between my eyebrows and across the bridge of my nose. The washcloth felt hot, but it didn't feel like burning hot, just slightly uncomfortable hot, like when you first get into a shower hot. So I held it there for several minutes, re-dipping the washcloth here & there during the application for hotter water. Then I thought I should apply the cold compress, so I held a sock that I had filled with ice cubes on top of my nose for several more minutes, not because it was too hot and I thought I had burned myself, but just because that was what I had planned to do from the get-go. The original plan: apply hot water washcloth to make the zit poppable, then apply cold ice pack to reduce swelling and redness, and then within the hour be healed completely! Right?
So afterward, I removed the cold compress and I went to the mirror fully expecting to see that the pimple had been reduced to a little, easy-to-pop whitehead without any redness or swelling on the exterior, and that everything would be done, good and over with. Instead, when I looked in the mirror, it was pretty reddish all over, but no swelling or anything, and no whitehead. So I sort of rubbed the area where the pimple was so I could see it and try to pop it, and several layers of skin peeled off. I peeled off the top layer/layers of skin in the area, about 1" x 1 1/2" square total area, and then it started to weep. It continued to weep for the entire evening, and all through the night while I slept. I thought that over the course of the night it would stop weeping and it would slightly crust over to a nice sort of thin, brown, non-ugly scab, but it turned out that it got all yellow and pink and wet looking, and it was totally offensive and gross. So I woke up yesterday to get ready for school, took one look at myself in the mirror, and nearly started bawling. So I went back into the bedroom and told Jered I couldn't face anyone looking like this, so I didn't go to school. (I emailed my professors that I was missing school that day, but I didn't go into detail as to why. What was I going to say? I have a giant zit?)
Later on in the day I talked to my mom about it because she is a nurse and I was a little concerned about the weeping, and she said she needed to see it, which was the last thing I wanted because I really didn't want ANYONE to see me like that. I was hideous. So Jered and Anais and I went over there, and she said I HAD to go to the Dr, so I went to urgent care. I saw the doctor, and told him honestly what I had done, and he examined it, and diagnosed the problem. It turns out that I have a 3rd degree burn on my nose. Way to go me. I totally scalded the zit off. I guess in a way, mission accomplished. (?)
When I went to the doctor, well, first my mom called there because I don't have insurance, so she called and talked to one of the doctors, Dr. Cook in fact, whom she calls "Dave" or "Steve" or "Bob" or whatever his first name is. So she was on the phone with him at the clinic, and she said, "Hi _______ (insert correct familiar name here) This is Michelle. Well, my daughter did sort of a foolish thing..... yeah... (laughing) ....and anyway, could I send here over there and just have you take a look at her, you know, sort of on the sly.... yeah, well, she has a pretty bad burn on her face.... It was scalded.....no, she seems okay, just embarrassed... ok, I'll send her right over." So I go over there and tell the receptionist that Dr. Cook is expecting me, and he comes out to get me, and he was so so so so so nice to me right away, and he didn't laugh or make fun or treat me condescendingly at all, he just looked at it, said at one point that "this is a pretty severe burn" and at another point referred to it as a "very significant burn" and I told him the whole story of how it happened even though he didn't ask, and then he said, "well, it looks like you got rid of the pimple at least" and sort of laughed, but not like he was making fun of me at all, and then I told him I was concerned about scarring because it's on my face, and he was so nice and gave me an antibiotic cream for burns, like Bacetracin but better because Bacetracin also inhibits new skin growth (it sort of eats the new skin tissue in addition to the dead skin tissue) but this stuff will not inhibit new skin growth, which is what we want. So he said I can cover it all I want, and that I need to put on this cream once a day, and I can put it on twice a day if I want to, and that I need to wash the wound before I apply the cream so I can keep it clean and free of infection and also help control the 'S-scar" that forms over burns when skin has been removed like that, and the S-scar stuff is this thick yellow-ish oozing stuff that I thought was pus, but is not I guess. The yellow stuff forms a fake scab, and that prevents a real scab from forming, and we want a real scab to form so it can heal. So I have to keep trying to sort of clean off the fake scab stuff.
I need to own my own stupidity. Can you even believe this? Also, it's ok to laugh about it. It's funny. I give you permission to laugh about it. It's ok. Really. So laugh, and don't feel at all guilty for doing so. And tell anyone you want to, I can handle it, I won't be offended, it's stupid and funny and sort of pathetic and sad. And C sort of scolded me afterward, because I didn't seem to understand from her email that none of those things she listed worked, but I didn't care. Yes, I did understand from her email that none of those things worked, but I just thought that a warm washcloth would work if only it were a little hotter, so... well, you know the rest. I tend to do everything to extreme. Always. I was thinking maybe she didn't try hard enough.
Last night I had to clean it, and it didn't hurt to clean it, but it felt really weird, weird in a bad way, and I didn't like the feeling, and then I got really nauseous from the combination of the weird feeling and the look of it, because really, it looks really disgusting. I mean, that's the nature of burns. They're ugly. So I am totally The Man in the Iron Mask, or Quasimodo, or Freddy Kruger or some other hideous looking beast who should be kept locked up and under a mask. So anyway, I had to clean it last night, and I got really hot and faint and dizzy and nauseous, and somehow I made it through it, I mean I did a lazy job of cleaning it because of the nausea and everything, but it got mostly done anyway. So I am back at school today, and yes, it's still awful-looking. So I didn't go to school yesterday because of the grotesqueness of my appearance, but I am at school today. I thought that with burns you had to keep them exposed, that you couldn't cover them or they wouldn't heal. But when I went to the doctor, he said I definitely could cover it as much as I wanted to, and he said he suspected I would want to cover it frequently, and that was ok. So it is covered today. I am sure this is an amusing image to people who see me. I have a giant bandage across the middle of my face. I look like a domestic violence victim. No, I didn't get punched by my boyfriend, and no, I didn't get into a bar fight. I just tried to burn a zit off my face. Woo hoo - I rock!
So that's my little Wednesday story. I am a wreck. It's funny though.
* UG definition: Under Ground pimple, the kind that are under the surface and usually are really big and often hurt, and can't be popped. Gross.
***************************************
For the record, in case anyone is worried, my nose burn has healed quite well. It's scarred very slightly, but it's cool. And the zit is gone. For good. Praise the lord.
Disclaimer -- this is not for the faint of heart or easily grossed out.
True story circa 2005 or 2006. Enjoy.
C and I have been emailing back and forth all week last week and into this week because we each had a stubborn and gross pimple, and both were UGs,* because we both had PMS. C said at one point that she thought she had a skin disease that causes her to get zits the size of Mt Rushmore in her middle age, and that she had an additional medical condition that causes her to pick at them. She adamantly insists though that she didn't touch this one at all. She also added that she was a walking zit, and that she was a monster. So I replied to her: "I touched mine. I tried to cut it open because I couldn't pop it. Is that too much? Have I gone too far in telling you that?"
And that was true. The other night I tried to cut it open with a razor blade. Katie and I have always talked about it, and how we want to do that, how GREAT it would be, and if only we could just get a scalpel and get in there and cut the damn thing open we could then gently squeeze out the remaining pus pocket and then the UG would be gone and we could let the stupid thing start to heal finally, if only we could get the pus out. So I called Katie afterward to tell her about it too, because it was always sort of our dream, but it didn't work, and I needed to fill her in on it. She needed to know all the details. So I told her about how I made a series of cuts in a sunburst sort of a design from the center of the pimple, but that while it bled a little bit, I never got to the core of the problem. Katie thought that was just hilarious.
So anyway, in response to me telling C I had cut it open, she replied with the following: "I tried everything. I tried a warm/damp washcloth cuz I read in a magazine it makes the stuff come out and be ready to pop. I tried a cold pack to make the swelling go down and the redness go away. I tried a saylic (sp) acid zit cream and a benzoyl (sp) peroxide zit cream, then I poked at it. I tried hydrogen peroxide to dry it up. Now it's a disaster and I tried to cover it with makeup. The makeup looks bad but the zit uncovered looks 100 times worse." So I got an idea!!! (Note that she said that none of these things worked, but I didn't care!) I got an idea from C's email about what she had tried to do to get rid of her zit, and thought that if I tried a combo of hot water washcloth with a cold compress afterward that I could get rid of my pimple and alleviate the pain, pressure and swelling as well as the redness and pus-iness. Keep in mind that this pimple was right between my eyebrows, right in the middle of the bridge of my nose, and it was very painful, caused a lot of pressure on my sinuses, and was giving me headaches that kept me awake at night. I was beyond desperate. It hurt, and it was really red, swollen for about the entire area of my nose, and it was ugly. Ugly. U-G-L-Y. So Monday night I had had it, the zit had been there for about 6 days at that point, and the popping didn't work, the pimple medicine didn't work, tea tree oil didn't work, Burt's Bees Blemish stick didn't work, cutting it open with a razor blade didn't work, and scrubbing it with a facial loofah and an apricot facial scrub didn't work. Desperation had set in.
So I boiled water and then I poured it in a cup, thinking to myself that by the time the water got into the cup it wouldn't be hot enough anymore because the cup would cool it down too much, but I would try it anyway. I poured the water into the cup, waited about a minute so it wouldn't be boiling hot anymore, and then dipped the washcloth in the water and applied it to my pimple area, between my eyebrows and across the bridge of my nose. The washcloth felt hot, but it didn't feel like burning hot, just slightly uncomfortable hot, like when you first get into a shower hot. So I held it there for several minutes, re-dipping the washcloth here & there during the application for hotter water. Then I thought I should apply the cold compress, so I held a sock that I had filled with ice cubes on top of my nose for several more minutes, not because it was too hot and I thought I had burned myself, but just because that was what I had planned to do from the get-go. The original plan: apply hot water washcloth to make the zit poppable, then apply cold ice pack to reduce swelling and redness, and then within the hour be healed completely! Right?
So afterward, I removed the cold compress and I went to the mirror fully expecting to see that the pimple had been reduced to a little, easy-to-pop whitehead without any redness or swelling on the exterior, and that everything would be done, good and over with. Instead, when I looked in the mirror, it was pretty reddish all over, but no swelling or anything, and no whitehead. So I sort of rubbed the area where the pimple was so I could see it and try to pop it, and several layers of skin peeled off. I peeled off the top layer/layers of skin in the area, about 1" x 1 1/2" square total area, and then it started to weep. It continued to weep for the entire evening, and all through the night while I slept. I thought that over the course of the night it would stop weeping and it would slightly crust over to a nice sort of thin, brown, non-ugly scab, but it turned out that it got all yellow and pink and wet looking, and it was totally offensive and gross. So I woke up yesterday to get ready for school, took one look at myself in the mirror, and nearly started bawling. So I went back into the bedroom and told Jered I couldn't face anyone looking like this, so I didn't go to school. (I emailed my professors that I was missing school that day, but I didn't go into detail as to why. What was I going to say? I have a giant zit?)
Later on in the day I talked to my mom about it because she is a nurse and I was a little concerned about the weeping, and she said she needed to see it, which was the last thing I wanted because I really didn't want ANYONE to see me like that. I was hideous. So Jered and Anais and I went over there, and she said I HAD to go to the Dr, so I went to urgent care. I saw the doctor, and told him honestly what I had done, and he examined it, and diagnosed the problem. It turns out that I have a 3rd degree burn on my nose. Way to go me. I totally scalded the zit off. I guess in a way, mission accomplished. (?)
When I went to the doctor, well, first my mom called there because I don't have insurance, so she called and talked to one of the doctors, Dr. Cook in fact, whom she calls "Dave" or "Steve" or "Bob" or whatever his first name is. So she was on the phone with him at the clinic, and she said, "Hi _______ (insert correct familiar name here) This is Michelle. Well, my daughter did sort of a foolish thing..... yeah... (laughing) ....and anyway, could I send here over there and just have you take a look at her, you know, sort of on the sly.... yeah, well, she has a pretty bad burn on her face.... It was scalded.....no, she seems okay, just embarrassed... ok, I'll send her right over." So I go over there and tell the receptionist that Dr. Cook is expecting me, and he comes out to get me, and he was so so so so so nice to me right away, and he didn't laugh or make fun or treat me condescendingly at all, he just looked at it, said at one point that "this is a pretty severe burn" and at another point referred to it as a "very significant burn" and I told him the whole story of how it happened even though he didn't ask, and then he said, "well, it looks like you got rid of the pimple at least" and sort of laughed, but not like he was making fun of me at all, and then I told him I was concerned about scarring because it's on my face, and he was so nice and gave me an antibiotic cream for burns, like Bacetracin but better because Bacetracin also inhibits new skin growth (it sort of eats the new skin tissue in addition to the dead skin tissue) but this stuff will not inhibit new skin growth, which is what we want. So he said I can cover it all I want, and that I need to put on this cream once a day, and I can put it on twice a day if I want to, and that I need to wash the wound before I apply the cream so I can keep it clean and free of infection and also help control the 'S-scar" that forms over burns when skin has been removed like that, and the S-scar stuff is this thick yellow-ish oozing stuff that I thought was pus, but is not I guess. The yellow stuff forms a fake scab, and that prevents a real scab from forming, and we want a real scab to form so it can heal. So I have to keep trying to sort of clean off the fake scab stuff.
I need to own my own stupidity. Can you even believe this? Also, it's ok to laugh about it. It's funny. I give you permission to laugh about it. It's ok. Really. So laugh, and don't feel at all guilty for doing so. And tell anyone you want to, I can handle it, I won't be offended, it's stupid and funny and sort of pathetic and sad. And C sort of scolded me afterward, because I didn't seem to understand from her email that none of those things she listed worked, but I didn't care. Yes, I did understand from her email that none of those things worked, but I just thought that a warm washcloth would work if only it were a little hotter, so... well, you know the rest. I tend to do everything to extreme. Always. I was thinking maybe she didn't try hard enough.
Last night I had to clean it, and it didn't hurt to clean it, but it felt really weird, weird in a bad way, and I didn't like the feeling, and then I got really nauseous from the combination of the weird feeling and the look of it, because really, it looks really disgusting. I mean, that's the nature of burns. They're ugly. So I am totally The Man in the Iron Mask, or Quasimodo, or Freddy Kruger or some other hideous looking beast who should be kept locked up and under a mask. So anyway, I had to clean it last night, and I got really hot and faint and dizzy and nauseous, and somehow I made it through it, I mean I did a lazy job of cleaning it because of the nausea and everything, but it got mostly done anyway. So I am back at school today, and yes, it's still awful-looking. So I didn't go to school yesterday because of the grotesqueness of my appearance, but I am at school today. I thought that with burns you had to keep them exposed, that you couldn't cover them or they wouldn't heal. But when I went to the doctor, he said I definitely could cover it as much as I wanted to, and he said he suspected I would want to cover it frequently, and that was ok. So it is covered today. I am sure this is an amusing image to people who see me. I have a giant bandage across the middle of my face. I look like a domestic violence victim. No, I didn't get punched by my boyfriend, and no, I didn't get into a bar fight. I just tried to burn a zit off my face. Woo hoo - I rock!
So that's my little Wednesday story. I am a wreck. It's funny though.
* UG definition: Under Ground pimple, the kind that are under the surface and usually are really big and often hurt, and can't be popped. Gross.
***************************************
For the record, in case anyone is worried, my nose burn has healed quite well. It's scarred very slightly, but it's cool. And the zit is gone. For good. Praise the lord.
Brainstorms for Topics to Write About -- Post #0
I am calling this post #0 because it doesn't really count. There's no real topic, and this won't be very interesting to the people who don't know me very well. It's mostly for my own sake and to try to get more ideas from the people who really do know me. Anyone else is welcome to read it, I just don't think you'll get much out of it.
D-rock has been encouraging me to start writing about stuff (random stuff) in his words:
"you love to write, so write a story about all the random things that have happened to you in life and sell it. you just have a way of writing that i think people...even non-readers like me would totally get into...just random stuff...happy stuff...sad stuff...you know, like when you had Mini and Desi...times you've been to rock fest...the birthday party "everyone goes skinny dipping and shows off their nipples" story... fun times...well, you could place a little warning at the beginning of the book that explains your worries about making things up and people would understand...in fact that could be your first chapter."
So this is going to be a list and a brainstorm of things to write about. No one has to read any of it. Writing things is therapeutic enough.
I don't really write the right way though. Mostly I write as if I am emailing a person in particular and trying to tell a story to someone I know, who knows me and the major players in the story. My writing is too familiar, and is a lot like the way I would tell a story if I were talking out loud directly to someone. To the people who know me, this is what they tell me they like about my writing, but I am not sure how it will go over with the rest of the world. We'll see I guess.
So here is my list, or the start of it anyway. And I am open to suggestions from the people who know me who have gotten email novels from me or who have shared strange experiences with me or who know of any stories I have that are worth telling.
1. the disclaimer. i might be lying, but i remember things this way, so i am not intentionally lying.
2. Desi's birth
3. Mini's birth
4. the Meridean birthday party #1 where we had a "best nipples contest" and splashed in the river giggling like banshees.
5. the burned face/pimple story (check! see post #1)
6. Rock Fest
7. Matt & me on a pile of gravel in the middle of the night
8. My mom. I am pretty sure she will get several "chapters."
9. I will have to look through old sent emails to try to find stories I sent.
10. The trauma of the nipple post-piercing
11. my dad turning his entire yard into a flower garden (in theory it sounds nice.)
12. my uncle stripping down to his tiny, tight underwear in my grandma's kitchen
13. the elephant drawing and wolf in sheep's clothing poem, as well as the spelling bee.
14. danielle. oh danielle.
15. ghetto paradise. sitting in the garage on the removed back seat of a van until all hours of the night. D with a 40.
16. Getting drunk on hot wine coolers at Big Falls with Katie and Matt midday
17. Getting drunk in Tilden in the middle of the day with Katie.
18. the summer that none of us seemed to have a job, but we always had what we needed.
19. Pat and me and the glow sticks.
20. Mom's Side Family Gatherings
21. Peanut Butter (names will have to be changed.)
22. Dad's Side family gatherings from when I was little, before Grandma H died.
23. Lists (favorite foods, smells, things about summer/winter/fall/spring, pet peeves, things that make me smile, favorite things, etc...)
24. Would I go back to high school and do it all over again? If so, what would I change?
25. Rock Falls Pond Project Plea for Help (and brainstorm as to how to raise money for it.)
26. The three times I nearly choked to death.
Friends: please send me other story suggestions. D-rock wants me to write a book. At least it will be therapeutic for me, and entertaining for some of you. Also if you have any old emails that I sent, please send them back to me if you wouldn't mind.
*******************************************
These are the suggestions I have received so far:
AC - lol i think there could be an entire book alone about the holiday get togethers...grandma always crying...political views getting out of hand...laughing until we all have cramps. I agree that the skinny dipping birthday has to be in there, although i was part of that and it could get quite interesting (i dont know if it was a ritual and you did that more than once or just the one time). That was quite a memory for me lol. I would definately read your book.
HJ - Oh of course A! Every Thanksgiving and Christmas since before I was born! That is a for sure. As far as the skinny dipping birthday goes, I was talking about the one that you were at, although yes, it is sort of a ritual. Not like it's carved in stone or anything, but I have a tendency to get naked every chance I get.
D-Rock - rock falls in general...grandma h...the "horrible horse riding" incident...the horrible "falling out of the truck" incident...the "you and julia sneaking out of your dad's house via the upstairs window" incident...i'm still thinking. there's ton's more, we both know it! i'm excited
Grace E - ok I have a few more:
-Reading Hustlers at Randy's - one of our favorite activities
-Last year's Halloween - I will send that email back to you - LOL!!!
-Grandma Virginia's dolls and donuts and CLOTHES!
-Collection of fair "gifts" ie Unicorn mirrors, etc
-Spraying air freshener while Randy smoked the bong OMG LOL LOL!!
-Randy's unbelievable collection of 8tracks then CDs - think Bangles and Heart
-there are more... i will keep thinking! xoxo
Jess - the alabama slammer night was a blast and very eventful. getting chased out of the bar, Kevin being found at the church. That was a fun night. ahh
JCL - Definitely the sneaking out/jumping out the window escapade!! what about your ordeal with mean lady and the fancy photocopies? That would be a seriously funny essay.
You could tell a ton of funny stories based on MPC
And what about all the different places you lived, etc. before Anais was born, like when you lived in that trailer with all those cats and we had a huge going away party for you because you were moving to Madison and then you never left.....
LOL! I'll keep thinking
HJ - poop the tent story, haunted house poop story, poop the bar with Laura. Yes! the nineteenth! And the other house we stayed at, Burt's house on 37 by the Welcome Matt. OMG
D-rock has been encouraging me to start writing about stuff (random stuff) in his words:
"you love to write, so write a story about all the random things that have happened to you in life and sell it. you just have a way of writing that i think people...even non-readers like me would totally get into...just random stuff...happy stuff...sad stuff...you know, like when you had Mini and Desi...times you've been to rock fest...the birthday party "everyone goes skinny dipping and shows off their nipples" story... fun times...well, you could place a little warning at the beginning of the book that explains your worries about making things up and people would understand...in fact that could be your first chapter."
So this is going to be a list and a brainstorm of things to write about. No one has to read any of it. Writing things is therapeutic enough.
I don't really write the right way though. Mostly I write as if I am emailing a person in particular and trying to tell a story to someone I know, who knows me and the major players in the story. My writing is too familiar, and is a lot like the way I would tell a story if I were talking out loud directly to someone. To the people who know me, this is what they tell me they like about my writing, but I am not sure how it will go over with the rest of the world. We'll see I guess.
So here is my list, or the start of it anyway. And I am open to suggestions from the people who know me who have gotten email novels from me or who have shared strange experiences with me or who know of any stories I have that are worth telling.
1. the disclaimer. i might be lying, but i remember things this way, so i am not intentionally lying.
2. Desi's birth
3. Mini's birth
4. the Meridean birthday party #1 where we had a "best nipples contest" and splashed in the river giggling like banshees.
5. the burned face/pimple story (check! see post #1)
6. Rock Fest
7. Matt & me on a pile of gravel in the middle of the night
8. My mom. I am pretty sure she will get several "chapters."
9. I will have to look through old sent emails to try to find stories I sent.
10. The trauma of the nipple post-piercing
11. my dad turning his entire yard into a flower garden (in theory it sounds nice.)
12. my uncle stripping down to his tiny, tight underwear in my grandma's kitchen
13. the elephant drawing and wolf in sheep's clothing poem, as well as the spelling bee.
14. danielle. oh danielle.
15. ghetto paradise. sitting in the garage on the removed back seat of a van until all hours of the night. D with a 40.
16. Getting drunk on hot wine coolers at Big Falls with Katie and Matt midday
17. Getting drunk in Tilden in the middle of the day with Katie.
18. the summer that none of us seemed to have a job, but we always had what we needed.
19. Pat and me and the glow sticks.
20. Mom's Side Family Gatherings
21. Peanut Butter (names will have to be changed.)
22. Dad's Side family gatherings from when I was little, before Grandma H died.
23. Lists (favorite foods, smells, things about summer/winter/fall/spring, pet peeves, things that make me smile, favorite things, etc...)
24. Would I go back to high school and do it all over again? If so, what would I change?
25. Rock Falls Pond Project Plea for Help (and brainstorm as to how to raise money for it.)
26. The three times I nearly choked to death.
Friends: please send me other story suggestions. D-rock wants me to write a book. At least it will be therapeutic for me, and entertaining for some of you. Also if you have any old emails that I sent, please send them back to me if you wouldn't mind.
*******************************************
These are the suggestions I have received so far:
AC - lol i think there could be an entire book alone about the holiday get togethers...grandma always crying...political views getting out of hand...laughing until we all have cramps. I agree that the skinny dipping birthday has to be in there, although i was part of that and it could get quite interesting (i dont know if it was a ritual and you did that more than once or just the one time). That was quite a memory for me lol. I would definately read your book.
HJ - Oh of course A! Every Thanksgiving and Christmas since before I was born! That is a for sure. As far as the skinny dipping birthday goes, I was talking about the one that you were at, although yes, it is sort of a ritual. Not like it's carved in stone or anything, but I have a tendency to get naked every chance I get.
D-Rock - rock falls in general...grandma h...the "horrible horse riding" incident...the horrible "falling out of the truck" incident...the "you and julia sneaking out of your dad's house via the upstairs window" incident...i'm still thinking. there's ton's more, we both know it! i'm excited
Grace E - ok I have a few more:
-Reading Hustlers at Randy's - one of our favorite activities
-Last year's Halloween - I will send that email back to you - LOL!!!
-Grandma Virginia's dolls and donuts and CLOTHES!
-Collection of fair "gifts" ie Unicorn mirrors, etc
-Spraying air freshener while Randy smoked the bong OMG LOL LOL!!
-Randy's unbelievable collection of 8tracks then CDs - think Bangles and Heart
-there are more... i will keep thinking! xoxo
Jess - the alabama slammer night was a blast and very eventful. getting chased out of the bar, Kevin being found at the church. That was a fun night. ahh
JCL - Definitely the sneaking out/jumping out the window escapade!! what about your ordeal with mean lady and the fancy photocopies? That would be a seriously funny essay.
You could tell a ton of funny stories based on MPC
And what about all the different places you lived, etc. before Anais was born, like when you lived in that trailer with all those cats and we had a huge going away party for you because you were moving to Madison and then you never left.....
LOL! I'll keep thinking
HJ - poop the tent story, haunted house poop story, poop the bar with Laura. Yes! the nineteenth! And the other house we stayed at, Burt's house on 37 by the Welcome Matt. OMG
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